A 'lil HooHaa

Messing with the blogging world since 2005

strip club

Really?

‘Tis been a while since I’ve done a post of my “Really?” feature, so now is as good of a time as any, I imagine.

Let’s start in California.

I’m sure everybody knows what 911 is for. If there’s an emergency or something along those lines, dial 911 and get connected to the proper authorities, right? Simple enough.

Apparently, it’s for more than that to one fella.

This dude Jimmy was arrested because he placed more than 100 calls to 911 — in one month!

See, turns out the government is controlling his mind and body, via satellites or some crazy story like that!

Jimmy even keeps a notebook with all the calls he makes to 911!

How nuts is Jimmy? This is what he told CBS Sacramento:

“My brain, I can feel it starting. I’m blasted by the signals, every couple of minutes. I yell and I scream, ‘Stop it, I don’t need this,’ but they never listen.”

Does anyone else think it might be worth somebody throwing Jimmy into a padded room?

Though this was months ago, it makes one wonder if Jimmy kept it up. He told CBS Sacramento he’d keep it up if need be.

He’s probably been fine the last week or so, though. You have to figure with this government shutdown, the people monitoring Jimmy are currently out of work.

****

Look, if you want to go to a strip club, do it.

But leave the kids at home.

Turns out this dude in Florida needed his fix so bad, he decided to bring a friend and his kid — a 3-year old — along. But he was leaving his kid and friend in the truck. You know, to be responsible and make sure the kid is doing OK.

However, somebody who is thinking about going to a strip club when he is watching his kid — at 1 a.m. nonetheless — probably doesn’t have the greatest taste in friends.

See, it turns out the friend couldn’t resist the urge of nekked chicks on stage, either!

In he went.

Where did that leave our little 3-year old? In the truck, of course.

Apparently this little one was left alone for 30 minutes or so when an employee (maybe one of the strippers?) saw the kid alone in the car and called the cops.

Our hero, Jordan, tried to pin it on his friend. The cops didn’t buy it all and Jordan was cuffed and stuffed.

You can’t make this stuff up, folks.

But it gets a tad bit better. According to the Huffington Post story, which is linked above, this isn’t the first time this has happened in Florida. The report lists seven others — including a former NFL player, as well as an actual stripper — who left their kids unattended to visit (or work) in a strip club.

Yes, folks, this is ‘Merica.

****

I’m not against Walmart in any shape or form. I know a lot of people are, but I’m not. The company employs many people and offers things at a cheaper rate than many. Personal thoughts aside, this next one makes me shake my head.

A Virginia man went to the retail giant to cash a check, and he brought his three young daughters along.

No biggie, right?

Apparently not in Woodbridge, Virginia, according to a report by MyFoxDC.com.

See, Joseph is in an interracial marriage — for 10 years. His daughters are all age four or under, including 2-year-old twins. In the parking lot, he was on the phone while he made sure the daughters were buckled in. This is where it got a little crazy.

After picking up his wife, he headed home. An innocent day, right? Not so much.

When they got home, a cop was waiting. Turns out Walmart security called the police to make sure the kids were indeed Joseph’s.

Seriously. This is 2013, right?

The cop then looked at their IDs and asked the 4-year-old child to point out who her mother and father were.

As often noted in these posts — you can’t make this stuff up, folks.

Apparently a Walmart security guard thought it was odd, this guy and some interracial kids. We didn’t just warp back to the 50s and 60s, did we?

The wife then called Warmart, understandably so. After speaking with a manager, she was transferred to some security guy, who passed the buck off by saying a customer raised the flag.

The wife told MyFoxDC.com this piece to really think about:

“Well, the customer was concerned because they saw the children with your husband and he didn’t think that they fit. And I said, ‘What do you mean by they don’t fit?’ And I was trying to get her to say it. And she says, ‘Well, they just don’t match up.’”

They don’t match up? Sheesh.

Walmart said it was looking into the situation. The couple said they’ll never shop at Walmart again. Who can blame them?

Hopefully this incident is isolated, but you never can tell in this day and age.

****

This one is fantastic.

We live in a blue-ribbon society. As a sportswriter and a fan of sports, this drives me up a wall.

Let’s get real for a second — when it comes to sports, you win or you lose. Bottom line. I learned at a young age what both were like. But, playing on some bad teams in high school really made you learn what losing was like.

And how to do it right.

When we lost, we lost. My parents — or parents of my friends and teammates — didn’t go up in arms because we lost. They didn’t try and sugarcoat it. It was reality. It happens.

Not these days. See, with so many youth leagues and everything else, everybody seems to get trophies or ribbons.

You finished seventh? Here’s a ribbon. You were last? Here’s a participation trophy.

Blue-ribbon society. And it’s downright ridiculous. Many parents don’t think their kids can do wrong (believe me, many parents think their kids will be the next Michael Jordan, despite the fact they are the 15th kid off the bench, can’t dribble without falling over and haven’t made a basket in their entire life) and then leagues and such get spooked to try and make it so kids don’t have to fully deal with the reality of wins and losses.

Take, for example, this California youth football league.

This league fines — yes fines — teams if they win by more than 35 points.

I once did some freelance work and covered a Pop Warner football game where the one team won like 50-0 and held the opposing team to negative 25 (or something like that) of total yards. There were no issues there. Kids dealt with it as reality.

Not so in this league, apparently.

So it costs a team $200 if they win by this big margin. Not only that, the coaches on the team will be suspended from league activities for two weeks!

Now you have teams doing things different to avoid the fines, like not kicking extra points and field goals.

This is society today, folks.

I’m glad I didn’t get trophies for just being a participant. And I’m also happy I took my lumps as a kid. It made it so I appreciated winning much more and it has helped me realize winning and losing goes way beyond sports — it’s reality in every part of life.

Feel free to leave a comment, or e-mail P.J. at hoohaablog [at] gmail.com. Also, please “Like” HooHaa Blog on Facebook!

30 Days of Writing/Life With Earl: Stiletto heels (23/30)

This post is written in conjunction with the 30 Days of Writing, a blog challenge devised by Nicky and Mike at “We Work For Cheese.” I’ll be participating throughout the month of June. If interested, you can see my post with the details of the challenge. 

Please note that some of these posts will be serious, some will be normal, and some will be an attempt at humor.

This post is humor. And if you haven’t read any of Earl before, go to the top of this page and select “Earl” to see previous editions.

It had been a while since we had heard from Earl.

So to get the call out of the blue on a rainy afternoon was a bit shocking, to say the least. Earl usually only gave us a buzz if it was sunny and he was looking for a ride somewhere.

However, I noticed his excitement right away.

“WHOOOOWEEEEE P.J., have you guys seen the ad in the paper?”

Leave it to Earl to be specific in everything he mentions.

“What ad, exactly, are you speaking about, Earl?”

“The one about the dancing girls,” he shouted! “Dancing girls! Some new club! Man oh man! It’s like heaven hitting town! We need to go check this out! I’ll call later!”

With that, Earl hung up.

I picked up the paper and started leafing through the pages, perusing the ads. Sure enough, in the back of the paper was an ad about a new adult establishment not too far from here.

And Earl was planning on going.

For those of you just reading about Earl for the first time, he’s an interesting character. He’s not the best when it comes to social situation and insert a few ladies and he goes ga-ga in a quick rate.

But, he’s Earl.

I phoned Jay and the Big Easy and let them know that Earl had spotted an ad for a new strip club. Though it might not be something we’d always be up for, taking Earl to an adult establishment had merits all on its own.

A few hours later, we’re picking up Earl. And oh was Earl ready.

He came out of his place wearing his best denim shorts and a shirt that says “I’d rather be fishin'” with his trucker-style hat tilted slightly to the right.

Oh, Earl.

He hops in the car and he’s beaming.

“Woooo weeee, boys… the experience of a lifetime, tonight!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been waiting this forever!”

He pulls out a wad of money and flips through it. There had to be at least 50 $1 bills.

We didn’t know Earl had that much money, let alone all in ones.

Soon enough, we pulled into the parking lot. We were barely stopped and Earl was dashing for the door.

“This is really happening, isn’t it?” Jay asked.

“Why am I here?” The Big Easy asked.

And soon, we followed Earl into the establishment. The lights were low. The music was just what you would expect and the announcers voice echoed through as he announced Milkshake was coming to the stage.

Yes, Milkshake.

And she shook. Oh did she shake. She swung on the pole. She pranced around in her stiletto heels. And Earl’s jaw was basically on the ground as he stared.

Milkshake slowly took off her clothes — what she was wearing, anyway — and Earl never moved. Never. She strolled by him and he still stayed firmly where he was.

I wondered if he had gone into shock.

“Earl? Um… Earl? EARL?” Jay screamed.

Nothing.

As Milkshake picked up her dollar bills and left the stage, Earl came to — for the moment.

“HOLY CRAP!” Earl said, wiping some sweat off his forehead. “That was amazing!”

He ordered a Coke and stayed staring.

This is where things got a little crazy. I realized that we likely weren’t going to be in here for long, knowing Earl, but I wasn’t sure how it would happen.

Jay, the troublemaker, put the ball in motion.

“Earl, you know you can go private with these girls, right?”

“Say what?”

“Private,” Jay explained. “You pay ’em like 25 or 30 bucks and you get a dance in the back. It’s private and quite hot. You might even score.”

“Seriously?” Earl asked. “What am I allowed to do?”

“For 25 or 30 bucks, basically whatever you want,” Jay explained. “Let your hands explore, man, let ’em explore.”

“Yeah, explore, Earl, explore,” The Big Easy echoed.

I just stared down at the floor.

“And how do I get this dance,” Earl asked, almost doubting us.

“The girls will come out and give you a little shimmy out here,” I said. “Then they’ll ask if you want a dance. You say yes, they take you to the back, you pay them, and the fun begins.”

Earl stared. It’s as if he was contemplating.

At that moment, the announcer interrupted the music.

“Hey there guys, look on the stage, it’s Babycake…” he said. “And for your pleasure, Milkshake is coming out to see if you’d like some dances…”

And that’s all it took.

Moments later, Milkshake came out. And we were sitting close to the door, so our table was first. We gave our customary tip and just pointed to Earl, who was in awe. Milkshake sat on his lap and whispered something to him… a dance request no doubt. Earl hopped up, almost knocking Milkshake to the floor. They were off to the back.

“We should probably finish our drinks quickly,” The Big Easy said.

“Yeah, maybe even meet him in the parking lot?” Jay asked.

So, we started walking out of the place. See, we know Earl. And it wasn’t going to take long.

As we were walking down the hallway, we heard a screech from the back rooms. Milkshake, no doubt.

That screech was followed by: “What do you think you’re doing, you dirtbag??”

Moments later, two large guys threw — yes, threw — Earl out of the place. His smile couldn’t have been any bigger.

“That was awesome!” he yelled as he ran over to the car.

We didn’t ask. We didn’t want to know where his roaming hands went. We just let Earl tell us about how Milkshake was totally into him and he knows one day he’ll go back to claim his lady.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, I looked over at Jay.

“You know this is your fault, right?”

“Worth every penny,” he said.

I knew Jay was right. But I didn’t want to admit it. I also knew this wouldn’t be the last time Earl found a way to get into a crazy situation. I was hoping it would be, but I knew better.

To read other stories about Earl, click here.

Feel free to leave a comment, or e-mail P.J. at hoohaablog [at] gmail.com. Also, please “Like” HooHaa Blog on Facebook!