30 Days of Writing/Life With Earl: Stiletto heels (23/30)

This post is written in conjunction with the 30 Days of Writing, a blog challenge devised by Nicky and Mike at “We Work For Cheese.” I’ll be participating throughout the month of June. If interested, you can see my post with the details of the challenge. 

Please note that some of these posts will be serious, some will be normal, and some will be an attempt at humor.

This post is humor. And if you haven’t read any of Earl before, go to the top of this page and select “Earl” to see previous editions.

It had been a while since we had heard from Earl.

So to get the call out of the blue on a rainy afternoon was a bit shocking, to say the least. Earl usually only gave us a buzz if it was sunny and he was looking for a ride somewhere.

However, I noticed his excitement right away.

“WHOOOOWEEEEE P.J., have you guys seen the ad in the paper?”

Leave it to Earl to be specific in everything he mentions.

“What ad, exactly, are you speaking about, Earl?”

“The one about the dancing girls,” he shouted! “Dancing girls! Some new club! Man oh man! It’s like heaven hitting town! We need to go check this out! I’ll call later!”

With that, Earl hung up.

I picked up the paper and started leafing through the pages, perusing the ads. Sure enough, in the back of the paper was an ad about a new adult establishment not too far from here.

And Earl was planning on going.

For those of you just reading about Earl for the first time, he’s an interesting character. He’s not the best when it comes to social situation and insert a few ladies and he goes ga-ga in a quick rate.

But, he’s Earl.

I phoned Jay and the Big Easy and let them know that Earl had spotted an ad for a new strip club. Though it might not be something we’d always be up for, taking Earl to an adult establishment had merits all on its own.

A few hours later, we’re picking up Earl. And oh was Earl ready.

He came out of his place wearing his best denim shorts and a shirt that says “I’d rather be fishin'” with his trucker-style hat tilted slightly to the right.

Oh, Earl.

He hops in the car and he’s beaming.

“Woooo weeee, boys… the experience of a lifetime, tonight!” he exclaimed. “I’ve been waiting this forever!”

He pulls out a wad of money and flips through it. There had to be at least 50 $1 bills.

We didn’t know Earl had that much money, let alone all in ones.

Soon enough, we pulled into the parking lot. We were barely stopped and Earl was dashing for the door.

“This is really happening, isn’t it?” Jay asked.

“Why am I here?” The Big Easy asked.

And soon, we followed Earl into the establishment. The lights were low. The music was just what you would expect and the announcers voice echoed through as he announced Milkshake was coming to the stage.

Yes, Milkshake.

And she shook. Oh did she shake. She swung on the pole. She pranced around in her stiletto heels. And Earl’s jaw was basically on the ground as he stared.

Milkshake slowly took off her clothes — what she was wearing, anyway — and Earl never moved. Never. She strolled by him and he still stayed firmly where he was.

I wondered if he had gone into shock.

“Earl? Um… Earl? EARL?” Jay screamed.

Nothing.

As Milkshake picked up her dollar bills and left the stage, Earl came to — for the moment.

“HOLY CRAP!” Earl said, wiping some sweat off his forehead. “That was amazing!”

He ordered a Coke and stayed staring.

This is where things got a little crazy. I realized that we likely weren’t going to be in here for long, knowing Earl, but I wasn’t sure how it would happen.

Jay, the troublemaker, put the ball in motion.

“Earl, you know you can go private with these girls, right?”

“Say what?”

“Private,” Jay explained. “You pay ’em like 25 or 30 bucks and you get a dance in the back. It’s private and quite hot. You might even score.”

“Seriously?” Earl asked. “What am I allowed to do?”

“For 25 or 30 bucks, basically whatever you want,” Jay explained. “Let your hands explore, man, let ’em explore.”

“Yeah, explore, Earl, explore,” The Big Easy echoed.

I just stared down at the floor.

“And how do I get this dance,” Earl asked, almost doubting us.

“The girls will come out and give you a little shimmy out here,” I said. “Then they’ll ask if you want a dance. You say yes, they take you to the back, you pay them, and the fun begins.”

Earl stared. It’s as if he was contemplating.

At that moment, the announcer interrupted the music.

“Hey there guys, look on the stage, it’s Babycake…” he said. “And for your pleasure, Milkshake is coming out to see if you’d like some dances…”

And that’s all it took.

Moments later, Milkshake came out. And we were sitting close to the door, so our table was first. We gave our customary tip and just pointed to Earl, who was in awe. Milkshake sat on his lap and whispered something to him… a dance request no doubt. Earl hopped up, almost knocking Milkshake to the floor. They were off to the back.

“We should probably finish our drinks quickly,” The Big Easy said.

“Yeah, maybe even meet him in the parking lot?” Jay asked.

So, we started walking out of the place. See, we know Earl. And it wasn’t going to take long.

As we were walking down the hallway, we heard a screech from the back rooms. Milkshake, no doubt.

That screech was followed by: “What do you think you’re doing, you dirtbag??”

Moments later, two large guys threw — yes, threw — Earl out of the place. His smile couldn’t have been any bigger.

“That was awesome!” he yelled as he ran over to the car.

We didn’t ask. We didn’t want to know where his roaming hands went. We just let Earl tell us about how Milkshake was totally into him and he knows one day he’ll go back to claim his lady.

As we pulled out of the parking lot, I looked over at Jay.

“You know this is your fault, right?”

“Worth every penny,” he said.

I knew Jay was right. But I didn’t want to admit it. I also knew this wouldn’t be the last time Earl found a way to get into a crazy situation. I was hoping it would be, but I knew better.

To read other stories about Earl, click here.

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